Week 1 - Wed. June 18th - Tuesday June 24th
Our 15 Year old Son Chase was in an automobile accident June 18th a little before noon. As far as we can piece together from witnesses and the police report; he was going too fast in a construction zone north of town. A worker yelled at him to slow down, and when he did he lost control of the truck he was driving, started to fishtail, and crossed into oncoming traffic in front of a 80,000 lb loaded semi-truck. He was T-boned on the passenger side. Immediately after I got the call that he had been in an accident, and that he was hurt pretty bad, we dropped to our knees as a family. We asked the Lord to help Chase, and that regardless of the outcome, that he would comfort us through it, and give us the strength to handle whatever came next. We had no idea how bad it was at this point and still thought we would be going to the Williston Hospital.
An ambulance was called to the scene, but they immediately called for a life flight teem, and started an IV. Chase was combative, and they were forced to place him in a medically induced coma which helped to save his life. Chase sustained a severe head injury to the right side of his skull as well as two lacerations to his right temple. The Life-flight team was unable to transport him to Minot due to high winds, so Chase was transferred to a fixed wing plane at the Williston Airport, and flown to an airstrip in Minot. Sitting on that airplane watching one person work over my son while another held gauze to his head as blood seeped between the fingers of a glove is horrific. I only lost it a few times, and watching my sons blood turn into boot prints was one of those times.
We were transferred by ambulance to the Trinity Hospital, and I was met at the door by the Chaplin. I was asked minimal questions, and then guided into a quiet waiting room to wait for doctor to tell me about my sons head injury. I was very calm, and collected. I was surround by the prayer of my loved ones, and the Lord was comforting me, but most importantly I was allowing myself to be comforted.
The Neurosurgeon came in and broke the news to me that his brain injury was third on the list of critical injuries. A scan reveled Chase sustained sever damage to his right kidney and was bleeding heavily internally( aka hemorrhaging), as well as a severe contusion to his right lung, his skull had been smashed in and was there was concern about brain damage and swelling. Still I was calm. Numerous doctors came in and out, I signed numerous permission forms, and was told multiple times in the vaguest way possible that he was not going to be okay. Still I remained calm, calm to the point where doctors tried repeated to impress upon me the seriousness of the situation, and how not okay this was. But I was still inside, and allowed the chaos and worry to roll over me - partly because I was in a bit of shock, but mostly because I trusted that whether my son lived or died, I would get to keep him forever, and that the Lord would sustain me through this. The Following are the Post that I wrote during this journey. I write them all on Facebook, but it is easier to read them all in one place.
If you are already part of our Legion, I am not sure how to find words Eloquent and Heartfelt enough to express my gratitude and love. So I will use simple ones: Thank you for Saving Our Son.
If you are reading this because you are going through something remotely similar and looking for any kind of answers, or a timeline to give you hope or at least a game-plan - I hope this helps a little. I did the same thing, and I cried when I passed they days they had miracles, and my son was still fighting for his life. The worst part of a brain injury is the Doctors are giving their best guess, and what took us months could take you days, weeks, or years. Remember that God is the Great Physician and he is in control. He will give you comfort and peace if you allow him to.
Day 1
Wednesday June 18th
About 3:00 pm
Chase Update: He is in the ICU in a medically induced coma. He has serious trauma to his skull, fluid in his right lung and severe damage to his right kidney. We are waiting to hear from the surgeon.
Between 4-5 pm
Chase update: chase is in surgery to try and stop the bleeding in his kidney.
Between 6-7 pm
Chase Update: he is out of surgery. They think they have stopped the bleeding in his kidney. They are stabilizing his blood pressure with medication and trying to increase his clotting capacity. He has had a ton of transfused blood. That's all I know
My View as I sat on the Medical Flight to Minot the day of the accident.
CT Scan Prior to Removing his Skull Fracture
Day 2
Thursday June 19th
12:00-2:00 am
Chase Update: he is in surgery again. The neurosurgeon is removing the section of skull that is caved in. He has significant swelling on his right side and bleeding on both the left and right side of his brain. They are placing a monitor in his head to track the swelling. For those of you who don't know- he lost control of the truck he was driving and crossed into oncoming traffic and was T-boned by a Semi. He is going to be kept unconscious for a while to protect his head. We appreciate all your prayers,fasting, and love notes. I can't possibly return them all, but I love them and you all very much.
2:00 am
Chase Update: he is out of surgery. The doctor planned to take a larger piece of skull out to help with swelling, but he said his skull was so ridiculously hard he couldn't. Well as his momma I could have told you that! His skull was actually wedged into his brain instead of shattering because of said hardheadedness. His swelling is at a 6 right now, they really worry at a 15. There is very little bleeding, but lots of bruising in his brain. He will be on medication to prevent seizers for a while. He tried to wake up and escape again. Arms and legs seem to be working just fine, he hates the ventilator tube. We aren't out of the woods yet, but we know he is going to survive. We have felt all your prayers. Thank you so much!
7:30 am
His heart rate has dropped down from 160 after surgery to around 105 this morning hurray! He has a bit of a fever they are having a hard time breaking. Ice packs in the arm pits- he loves that! they have to have him on continual drip pain meds because he kept freaking out last night. He really wants to wake up. He is giving the night nurse a run for her money. She will be his nurse again tonight, we are so thankful for the amazing staff. We are just waiting to hear from the doctor this morning. Thank you all for you love,support, and prayers.
10:30 am
Chase Update: Thursday 10:30 am Chase's urologist gave us great news! Even though the bottom part of his kidney was severely damaged he thinks he will be able to keep it, and he should have around 70% usage. His urine looks like it has blood in it now instead of straight blood or blood with a little urine. They are no longer pumping his bladder with saline. his neurologist changed his head dressing. While he is leaking a bit of spinal fluid from his ear and incision he is doing well. His swelling is moderate and the doctor is pleased. He is still fighting. Thank you all for your love and prayers, we are seeing miracles.
** After having my own revelation that Chase would keep his kidney, I started to realize exactly how the lord was communicating with me, and in the next few weeks I would waiver, but never falter because he was with me, and guiding me ever step of the way** It's exciting to lay out a story like this when you already know the ending. :)
7:00 pm
Chase Update: He is still considered critical but stable. His brain swelling is still in a good range. His heart rate and blood pressure are good. His urine looks great! His late lung suction was better. It's a waiting game now. We won't know anything about brain function for a while. He has another scan tomorrow morning. Updates will be about once a day now I think. This is harder than yesterday. I don't do waiting well. Thank you for your love and support
I took this picture before they told me I wasn't allowed to take photos in the ICU. This is the day after the accident
Chases CT Scan Post Sugery. You can sse the missing skull, the swelling of the brain and the skin as well as the bleeding in his head
Day 3
Friday June 20th
9:00 am
Chase Update: he has more swelling today in his brain which is expected, his hemoglobin levels dropped 4 points, and they gave him a unit of blood and more platelets. They are concerned he is still bleeding somewhere (probably in his kidney) the Doctor will be by later to check on him. The next 26 hours are where we can expect the most swelling and we are praying for controlled numbers to avoid any more damage. The neurologist said to be prepared for it to be weeks before he wakes up. I didn't want to hear that. Please keep the prayers coming.
11:30 am
Kami Update: I am so full of hope, peace, and comfort. I have more faith than I have knowledge. The spirit is telling me one thing and the doctors are telling me another. I chose to rejoice about the fact that am in the middle of a miracle instead of a tragedy. I would give anything to hear chase sing right now, or even have another episode of him spitting on me while he is beat boxing Inches from my face. I could really use one of his ADHD musical medleys of unfinished songs in a range he can't possibly reach. I raised a fighter, and we have the faith and support of the most amazing friends and family. May The Lord bless you for the prayers you are sending. It's a weird experience to actually feel people praying for you. It's almost tangible.
12:30pm
Chase Update: Sadly it's bad news. Chase has developed a severe hemorrhage on the left side of his brain with lots of swelling. Unfortunately it is in the area that controls his speech. At this point we may have to open his skull on the left side as well. They are worried about the swelling crushing his brain stem. Also he is going in for a CT scan because they believe he has bleeding somewhere else because his platelet the levels are so low. So a lot of seemingly hopeless news delivered to us in one fell swoop. Please drop to your knees if you can, or offer a silent prayer. We are heartsick, but not without hope.
** ** The neurologist told us that he believed he had sever swelling on the other side of his brain, and that he would have to do a craniotomy to remove part of his skull to relieve that pressure. He was not very confident it would be enough to save him as he was sure there was already sever brain damage happening as we spoke. My spirit rejected everything he was saying. He said the first step was to place a second ICP monitor into his head to ensure the brain swelling before the crainitomy, but that that was he was positive the swelling was in the high 30"s ( brain damage). He left us with no hope> I asked for the kids to be brought down because Phil needed them, and he was sure they needed to say goodbye*
3:00pm
Phil Update: A sweet small miracle was just received by the Clark kids. They all got to go into see talk and hold chases hand. They had to go in one at a time. They all got to tell him that they love him. Brooklyn gave the sweetest apology for previous words that she had had with her brother. It was a beautiful experience for me. Also a hug thank you to Maggie Jordan for bringing the kids up.
** This is another one of those moment when people were telling us to prepare to say goodbye, My husband is so much more emotionally driven than I am. I am a fixer, and he is a lover. I couldn't fix anything, so I had to trust the Lord would if it was his will. Chase had received blessings that said his mission on this earth was not yet fulfilled. He would also recieve a blessing that if he survived this he would be made whole. I clung to that and hopped that the miracle that were happening in the lives of those who were changed by this experience where not the only mission, and that I would get to keep him. My sweet Phil was a wreck at this point, and being the sweet sensitive person I am, told him to get a grip, trust in the Lord, and when he was done burying my son in his mind to come find me. Not my proudest moment, but I couldn't understand why he wouldn't trust in the Lord instead of the Doctors. We all figure things out in our own way and deal with things in our own time. I get that now, but i was just furious at the time. People were giving me condolences, and the spirit was telling me he was going to be okay.**
5:30 pm
Chase Update: Miracles! The neurologist said his number were lower than they thought. Thank you thank you for your prayers! He is on a paralytic and other medicine to keep swelling down. The next two days will be critical. If they can keep the swelling down they won't have to remove parts of his skull (controversial) to allow the brain to swell. The next step would be to drain spinal fluid to drop it a few points if it rises slowly. We want to be below a 20 and he was at a 15 when the put the new monitor in-Now he is holding strong around a 10 with the paralytic. While this doesn't fix the current damage we are preventing anymore damage to nerve cells. Please keep sending us your faith, love, and prayers. You are all my angels
** Don't you love it when I works out**
10:20 pm
Chase Update: Tonight the Guardian Flight team that arrived on scene and transported Chase came to check up on us after they dropped off another patient. I almost fell into them with gratitude. God bless them! His ICP monitor numbers ( monitors brain swelling) are slowly climbing. Please pray that they rise slowly or not at all until we can get through the rest of the 72-96 hour critical stage. It was so amazing to be able to express my gratitude to them. I forgot to mention earlier that they don't think he is bleeding anywhere else and there is no bleeding in the kidney. I am heading to bed with my babies, and I will update you In the morning. I don't know what words to use to thank you all. So I will just say Thank You and pray you feel our gratitude.
** This is another one of those moment when people were telling us to prepare to say goodbye, My husband is so much more emotionally driven than I am. I am a fixer, and he is a lover. I couldn't fix anything, so I had to trust the Lord would if it was his will. Chase had received blessings that said his mission on this earth was not yet fulfilled. He would also recieve a blessing that if he survived this he would be made whole. I clung to that and hopped that the miracle that were happening in the lives of those who were changed by this experience where not the only mission, and that I would get to keep him. My sweet Phil was a wreck at this point, and being the sweet sensitive person I am, told him to get a grip, trust in the Lord, and when he was done burying my son in his mind to come find me. Not my proudest moment, but I couldn't understand why he wouldn't trust in the Lord instead of the Doctors. We all figure things out in our own way and deal with things in our own time. I get that now, but i was just furious at the time. People were giving me condolences, and the spirit was telling me he was going to be okay.**
5:30 pm
Chase Update: Miracles! The neurologist said his number were lower than they thought. Thank you thank you for your prayers! He is on a paralytic and other medicine to keep swelling down. The next two days will be critical. If they can keep the swelling down they won't have to remove parts of his skull (controversial) to allow the brain to swell. The next step would be to drain spinal fluid to drop it a few points if it rises slowly. We want to be below a 20 and he was at a 15 when the put the new monitor in-Now he is holding strong around a 10 with the paralytic. While this doesn't fix the current damage we are preventing anymore damage to nerve cells. Please keep sending us your faith, love, and prayers. You are all my angels
** Don't you love it when I works out**
10:20 pm
Chase Update: Tonight the Guardian Flight team that arrived on scene and transported Chase came to check up on us after they dropped off another patient. I almost fell into them with gratitude. God bless them! His ICP monitor numbers ( monitors brain swelling) are slowly climbing. Please pray that they rise slowly or not at all until we can get through the rest of the 72-96 hour critical stage. It was so amazing to be able to express my gratitude to them. I forgot to mention earlier that they don't think he is bleeding anywhere else and there is no bleeding in the kidney. I am heading to bed with my babies, and I will update you In the morning. I don't know what words to use to thank you all. So I will just say Thank You and pray you feel our gratitude.
Day 4
Saturday June 21st
6:10 am
Kami /Chase Update: I just got to peek in on him for a few minutes before they took him down for his CT scan. His numbers are single digits! WAHOOOOOOOOOOO! His fever is down. He is still sedated ( knocks him out) and being given a paralytic ( paralyzed him) They shaved his head when he had his first surgery on his skull. I bawled when I saw his shaved head. He loves his hair. So silly, but he smells weird, and looks hurt, and he can't move, so I will cry for his horrible hair cut. The good new is his head was weird shaped before the accident and surgeries lol. I dreamed he opened his eyes last night, please Heavenly Father let that dream come true soon. I am more emotional today than I have been. It's mostly gratitude, but I think some of the shock is wearing off now. One of the greatest blessings in all of this is realizing how loved my baby is. It means so much to know what he means to you or how he has touched your life. I read your post, and we bask in your love. May The Lord comfort you like he has us. And as always please keep those prayers coming.
8:30pm
Chase Update: His CT scan shows no brain shift, and a little less bleeding. His inter cranial pressure monitor or ICP numbers have been High on and off today. Not scary high, but high enough we have to avoid stimulation. His numbers go up whenever I am in the room, so I have had to stay away most of the day other than short visits. Fortunately I have had a lot of visitors to fill my time. Hopefully by tomorrow we start to see a decline in his swelling. The Plan is to keep him sedated and under a paralytic until Monday. So not a lot of change which is exactly what we want right now. Please keep praying that his ICP numbers stay below 20 and that his swelling will start to decrease. We Love you all.
11:45PM
Phil Update: Today we had lots of people come visit. it was Awesome! My spirits have been high all day and a lot of the shock has worn off. My kids were all up here and the power of our united family has been renewed. My mom and step father got here today and things with chase have been looking a little better as well. I took a bit if a break and visited with Pete Isom and his family and then my parents. When I came back in to sit with chase is IPC pressures were at 3-5. That's the lowest I have seen it since he had them installed. Woohoo! Great job chase. We are about to start reading all the Facebook posts but again We want to say thank you to all of you for your prayers and faith. We really feel your love and concern
Day 5
Sunday June 22nd
Sunday June 22nd
6:00 am
Kami / Chase Update: Chase's numbers are all over the place. At one point they were as low as a 3 and as high as an 18. I try to find humor in the fact that he can't go 20 minutes without messing with someone, and that's how it is with the nurses and hospital staff. They keep moving him, poking him, testing him, and I think he gets irritated. I found out yesterday- too much stimulation, plus trauma leads to me crashing. Chases swelling better start dropping because I am not staying away anymore. Noon will be about the 96 hr mark (4 days) I have just been holding that hour in head. The swelling should start to go down by then and it may already be as we speak. He is getting his daily CT scan and chest X-rays though so probably not I miss my son. My fancy dressing, too much hair obsessing, physically fit, not so little boy would not be happy with this. He looks pudgy from all the fluids, he has old lady white knee-high socks on, with inflatable leggings, a dressing gown, and a haircut from a surgeon that makes a better doctor than a barber.
Chase Update: According to the CT scan there is less blood in the brain and his brain shifted the right way. Yesterday it was shifted off at 7mm and today it's 5mm. That is huge! His ICP fluctuates a lot in the teens and low 20's but the swelling is starting to go down so those numbers are less concerning with the brain shift. Tomorrow is a big day he is getting a feeding tube put in his stomach, and a tracheotomy. The trach scares me a lot for some reason, but the doctor laid the importance of it out for me so I can accept it. Two more manly scars on their way. Good thing chicks dig scars. If there is enough decrease in the swelling tomorrow they will begin to bring him out of sedation and paralysis. Probably by Tuesday, and then we wait for him to wake up. Please keep praying. You are working miracles for us.
10:30pm
Phil Update: In prepetration for tomorrow's surgeries we are making it an early night. Chase is doing ok but has a fever and because of it has higher pressures again. The nurses asked me to let him rest and I think it's a good idea. If all is good with his CT scan in the a.m.we will make some more progress with the feeding tube and trach. So off to bed early for me tonight. It will be good to get some quality sleep. Thanks again for all the love and prayers.
Day 6
Monday June 23rd
6:30 am
Chase update: Project Wake up Chase will commence in the next 24-48 hours! Today's a big day.
Step 1: get a feeding tube, and a trach,
Step 2: get him off the paralytic and sedation which probably won't start happening until tomorrow.
Step 3: Wake up Chase! this is where we need your help.
We won't know the extent of the damage until he wakes up. So we are asking you to pray for him to wake up, and to wake up and be the best most miraculous version of Chase The Lord can possibly give us. The better we can start, the quicker his recovery, and the sooner he comes home. It's going to be a long road regardless I am told. I am sending out my eternal love and devotion to you for helping save my baby through your prayers, fasting, and love! Please especially hug and love your little ones, and tell them their prayers worked, Heavenly Father answered them, and they are our favorite kind. Chase loves kids so much, your stories of them praying for him moves me and lifts me up. We want you to know we see and read every comment, and every like, we read your messages and texts. We cherish your cards and prayers. We may not respond, but we love them!
** Things never seemed to happen when we thought they should, but they always happened exactly when they needed too!**
1:30 pm
Chase Update: Boo! They pushed chases surgeries back to either Tuesday more likely Wed. They couldn't coordinated his surgeries, and we are just trusting the extra time is even better for him as his ICP numbers are high and he had a fever for most of the night. Prayers Please that his numbers drop and if it be God's will we will have surgeries tomorrow.
Day 7
Tuesday June 24th
8:00 am
Kami Update: Sunday was the first day I was able to really cry. We went to church, and the whole meeting from the speakers to the musical number could have been called God wants the Clark's to know this is his plan. Yesterday I was really down. I struggled with understanding how I could have so much faith and still be so afraid. Is there room for fear and faith to share the same space? After some tender moments with my parents yesterday, I recalled the saying if Ye are prepared Ye shall not fear. Well guess what you can't prepare for anything with TBI (traumatic brain injury) we know nothing until he wakes up, I don't have a plan, I'm not in charge, I can't fix it, and all I can do is over think everything and pray and pray and pray. I am afraid. I am not a natural caregiver. I'm the person you call if you want the truth, or need someone to call you a pansy. I hate being in Chase room, I can't sit still, I'm not soothing, some machine is always beeping and I watch his ICP numbers go up and down until it makes me insane. What kind of Mother can't sit and comfort her baby? I'm not a wallower. and self pity has its place for a moment as long as it turns to self reflection. So after lots of prayers, and a sweet Father's blessing- here is what I know.
1. I'm scared of the unknown, but I have the courage to move forward in spite of that fear.
2. God is good, powerful, and has promised me Chase will be healed.
3. Sometimes when the doctors talk to me, I doubt. Not because I lack faith but because it's scary has heck to have someone constantly giving you bad news or horrible no good rotten news. Just lie to me a little so my faith and hope doesn't constantly have to try and smother my panic. Thats my baby you are talking about.
4. I may not have a warm and snugly personality, but I'm your girl if you want someone to encourage you to be more than you ever thought you could. I will help you push harder, go faster, do more. I can help you believe in yourself and realize no one can stop yo but yourself. My son is going to need that when he wakes up.
5. If you don't know our Family, we are a force to be reckoned with. If you love us, you should meet our parents, siblings, grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins. Add our army of friends and church family to that equation and we are unstoppable. To top it off we have The Lord and his angels. We will change lives, create miracles, and move mountains.
6. The only one who can stop me is me, and I will not be stopped. I have been promised my son, and I will fight for him. My resolve will shatter my fear, my faith with negate the doomsday medical predictions.
7. I have my best friend Phil by my side. So no matter the moment, he's there to drive me nuts so I get out of my own head. He makes me talk about my feelings, he makes me laugh or yell, whatever it takes to make sure I'm not shutting down. I thank The Lord everyday for sending me this amazing man. I love you Phil Clark!
8. The Lord God is my Heavenly Father. He gets it. He watched his son suffer die. My savior Jesus Christ suffered bled and died for me, He gets it too, and The Lord sent me a friend who has already dealt with exactly what we are going through only worse. She gets it. I have thousands of people praying for us, that hurt for us.
So I fear, but I don't falter. I worry, but I don't doubt. I cry, but I also laugh loud enough to be shushed. I rage inside, but then I find peace. I sleep so I can see and talk to Chase my dreams, but I wake up so I can hold my other babies and rejoice in them.
Please join us in praying for good news today, great surgeries tomorrow, and then let's Wake Up Chase.
8:50 am
Chase Update: Another surgery! Chase's ICP numbers are too high, they are going to put a tube in his brain to drain spinal fluid and hopefully relieve some pressure. Please please pray for Dr. Eichler (sounds like eye-kler) because chases brain is shifted from swelling it is really tricky to get the tube in right!
I refused to sign the paper. I made Phil do it because. Just couldn't sign one more paper giving someone permission to put another hole in my son. I prayed all night his numbers would go down so we didn't have to do this surgery, and they were still up today. I hate it when God has a different plan than me. I really like my plan better. On a good note: chases CT scan this morning show improvement from yesterday, but Dr. Doomsday followed that ray of sunshine with, "but that because yesterday's were so much worse than the day before"
So please pray this surgery is a success pray his numbers go down, and pray we all have the faith to accept Gods will if it doesn't match up to our own. Thank you all so much!
12:45 pm
Chase Update: He is just out of surgery. It was successful, now we are just waiting to see if his numbers get steady or drop. Yet again They are trying a heavier sedative, he is adapting to them too fast
11:00pm
Phil Update: Well it's that time again. Tuesday night / Wednesday morning update. Chase had a really hard day today. The nurses chased his numbers all over. They were very high. They added a drain to his brain. Not much help still very high pressures. Chase is a lot like me with drugs. I build up a tolerance to them very quickly. They are now giving him drugs by the countless number. The nurses are really getting a workout. I wish that there was better news.
Kami and I decided that the family had to get out of the hospital today for little R&R. Everyone was getting a little keyed up. We went and saw how to train your dragon 2. Very cute. Sad part is that parts hit so close to home that Kami walked out. To her credit though she went shoe shopping.
The local Minot wards have been bringing us meals. They are so amazing and we are so grateful for their love and service to us.
When we got back to chase his report was bad. They had to take him down for another ct scan. His pressures were high and we couldn't go into see him. That however gave Kami and I some time to talk. It's a serious talk that needed to happen. Our wonderful bishop got to be part of it. We talked about God and his will. We talked about faith and comfort. We talked about the blessings that chase has received. I believe that it helped calm and heal our hearts a little. My sweet aunt sent us a beautiful letter that talked about having to let go of her son 30 years ago. He had head trauma as well. The talked about understanding that our plan and gods plan don't always line up but how we have to completely turn our faith over to him and then we can align ourselves to his will. When this happens peace and understanding take the place of fear and sorrow. I have really felt that peace the last few days. I am learning so much. I don't know if my heart has ever been truly humbled before. It is a beautiful thing and hard thing. Painful and defiantly long suffering but peaceful and calming as well. I love Chase. I have faith in my savior. I trust my god. I am done feeling sorry for myself. God lives and he has a plan. It's my job to be patient. Then it's my job to help those around me to find the peace that I am feeling tonight. My heart is full. Don't get me wrong it still hurts but I know god loves me. I know he loves my son. Things are going to be as he wills.
Thank you as always for your prayers and words of encouragement. With faith hope and love goodnight.
Kami and I decided that the family had to get out of the hospital today for little R&R. Everyone was getting a little keyed up. We went and saw how to train your dragon 2. Very cute. Sad part is that parts hit so close to home that Kami walked out. To her credit though she went shoe shopping.
The local Minot wards have been bringing us meals. They are so amazing and we are so grateful for their love and service to us.
When we got back to chase his report was bad. They had to take him down for another ct scan. His pressures were high and we couldn't go into see him. That however gave Kami and I some time to talk. It's a serious talk that needed to happen. Our wonderful bishop got to be part of it. We talked about God and his will. We talked about faith and comfort. We talked about the blessings that chase has received. I believe that it helped calm and heal our hearts a little. My sweet aunt sent us a beautiful letter that talked about having to let go of her son 30 years ago. He had head trauma as well. The talked about understanding that our plan and gods plan don't always line up but how we have to completely turn our faith over to him and then we can align ourselves to his will. When this happens peace and understanding take the place of fear and sorrow. I have really felt that peace the last few days. I am learning so much. I don't know if my heart has ever been truly humbled before. It is a beautiful thing and hard thing. Painful and defiantly long suffering but peaceful and calming as well. I love Chase. I have faith in my savior. I trust my god. I am done feeling sorry for myself. God lives and he has a plan. It's my job to be patient. Then it's my job to help those around me to find the peace that I am feeling tonight. My heart is full. Don't get me wrong it still hurts but I know god loves me. I know he loves my son. Things are going to be as he wills.
Thank you as always for your prayers and words of encouragement. With faith hope and love goodnight.
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