Being a "Jerk-Face"

You know what the Problem with self-realization is? It means you have to change. It means you have to change, or be held accountable if you don’t. Ugh, again with the change.

Today’s self-realization is that I am a Jerk-face. That’s the word we use in our house anyway. I think these beautiful things about people, and love them deeply, but then out of my mouth come harsh words, and sarcastic barbs. Why, and when did this become how I treat people? The worst part of it is that it wasn't even really a self-realization; it was a chastisement by way of the Lord’s Spirit. Double Whammy! I know I’m a “jerk-face” because the Lord told me so. My heart hurts. I apologized publicly for the moment that brought about the self-realization, and followed it with a more private, personal apology. The problem with words said is that an apology can’t erase the memory of them being spoken, nor the power that they will have on the individual(s) that heard them.

I guess the first step now that I have realized the true gravity of the situation is to be more aware.
While Driving home today, I found myself verbally assaulting the drivers around me in the exact moments I was contemplating how to say nice things. I don’t remember thinking rude things about my fellow drivers, but out my mouth it came. So I guess I have Step 1.

1. Be more aware of what I say and how I say it.

Words have power whether they are written, spoken, or just rolling around in your head. So my next step is to be aware of my thoughts. I am going to concentrate on the positive thing in my head, and out of my mouth.

There is a website started by and amazing songwriter and singer Hilary Weeks called billionclicks.org.

It began with a single click...and that first click was simply an experiment. She heard someone say we think over 300 negative thoughts a day. She was compelled to find out if that was true. So she bought a clicker - and started counting. Each day for one week, She clicked and counted her negative thoughts. After seven days of clicking each discouraging, gloomy, depressing thought –

She felt Discouraged, Gloomy, and Depressed

With that realization, the experiment changed. What would happen if She clicked all of her positive, uplifting, optimistic thoughts? Would She feel positive, uplifted and optimistic?

That is exactly what happened.
Clicking heightened feelings of Motivation, Strength, and Confidence.
This story brought me to my next step, and helping me to be accountable and aware.

2. Change my thoughts and words one click or tally at a time.

I don’t have the time to click the computer all day and frankly anything that gets me on the computer is counterproductive to my day, but I can stick a piece of paper in my pocket and keep track. So I will work on awareness, and actively replacing my current thought and speech patterns with positive one.

My third step is the most important. I will include the Lord and my family. I know I can do it if The Lord will help me, and my children have patterned themselves after me. So I will undo the damage I have done by including them in my journey. I know that they will be more than willing to help remind me when I slip-up, but I also hope that they will join me.

3. Include the Lord and my loved ones.

It’s going to be hard to be patient with myself. I am horrified over my behavior and trying very hard not to mentally or verbally belittle myself. I am forgiving myself for past mistakes, and asking the Lord, and anyone else I have offended to please do the same.

You may not have a problem with being a jerk-face, but how often do you tell people the positive things you think? I love to tell perfect strangers the nice things I think about them. Have you ever heard nice “gossip about yourself” It’s the best! If gossip spreads like wildfire, then use it to spread your love and admiration for people. Have you ever talked positively about one your kids, your husband, or friend to someone else when they were nearby listening? There is nothing better than hearing positive things about yourself. So I purpose that we spread the positive things we feel about people. It is a rare moment when you will ever hear me say anything negative about my husband or my children. This for one very good reason, I love them, and I think they are amazing in spite of any faults they might have. So hear is a great truth!

If all you ever hear about are someone’s faults; you will find them faulty, but if all you ever hear about them is praise; you will find them praiseworthy.

Do the people in your life know they are praiseworthy? I am going to make sure that the people in mine do, starting with you. Thank you for being a positive uplifting part of my life. For being my cheerleaders and for your positive words that keep us going stronger when we falter. May the Lord bless you and keep you. Merry Christmas!

www.billionclicks.org

BILLIONCLICKS.ORG

Being Exceptional!

We have a saying in our house. The difference between being ordinary and being Exceptional is trying a little harder, or doing a little more than you have to.

When People praise me for my strength, my words, or my faith I have a very hard time accepting their compliments because I know the truth. I have no more strength than you, I have no more faith than than you, and my ability to articulate my feelings pale in comparison to the gifts of others. What I do have is a God who knows me, and he chose this exact trial for me and my family because of the intimate knowledge he has of me. He knew I was strong enough because he prepared me years ago. He knew I had the faith to rely on him because he had given me other experiences in the past that taught me to rely on him in even the small things. He knew I would have the right words to touch you and teach you through his spirit because they were his words, and he had taught me how to listen.

There is a saying that the Lord won't give us more than we can handle. Do you believe that? I believe that the Lord prepares us so that we can handle much of it, but then he sends his earthly angels to bear us up when we falter. He prepares those people too. Are we listening? When he is calling us to be the bearer of someone else's burden, are we listening? What if we don't listen? Would you condemn those around you to bear their trial alone, or will you be there to lighten their load for a while?

There was only one man who had to endure his burden on his own, In his darkest hour he plead for the cup to removed from him, and yet knowing it was his to bear alone he did his father will. In addition to those human hands, he sent us a Savior. Jesus Christ is the perfect example of being exceptional. He didn't just do more than he had too, He gave all, and it was for the least of us, and the greatest of us.

Being exceptional. In our house it means being Christlike. In a world that is cynical, and harsh. In a world where we keep our burdens to ourselves so we don't appear week, or flawed. I purpose that weak and flawed is what makes us exceptional.

Perfect people make me nervous. I assume they are either really great liars, con men, or that I have no value in their eyes because I am flawed. The thing is, I like my flaws. I will apologize for my messy kitchen when you come over, but it will be done hardheartedly, and you wont care when you are eating whatever yummy things I created while making that mess. I will probably be late because I was busy putting finishing touches on a lesson, combing someones hair, tying shoes, looking for the infamous missing shoe, or figuring out someone's last few math problems that are due in 20 minutes............and then I realized I forgot about me, so everyone's late because mom didn't want to arrive in her red flannel pajama pants she stole from daddy, with her hair in a messy bun that was once a neat bun, and no make-up on her face unless you count the bit of powdered sugar on her nose. So I'm late, Sorry? I'm flawed, but if you give me a full days notice that you are coming over I will have a clean house ( unless I can close the door) , AND look Pretty, AND give you something to eat if you're hungry. That's the thing about being exceptionally flawed. I can manage to whip up a semi gourmet meal out of seemingly nothing, but my magic does not extend to being able to rinse out a dish and reuse it when I am cooking...oh no I must use every dish I can get my hands on so the sink is overflowing with dishes. Those dishes sometimes mock me, and tell me I am a failure for not being able to cook and clean at the same time, but then my kids come home and I remember I am very talented delegator, and then Viola...those pesky condescending dishes are clean. See Exceptionally Flawed.

So I purpose this: You are exceptional! The Lord made you who you are, You are probably be an exceptional work in progress, i know I am. He is constantly preparing us for our next exceptional moment. Will you be willing to accept that moment when he calls on your particular set of exceptional flaws? Will you be that miracle for someone, and on the flip side, Will you be willing admit your flaws, and that you falter, and allow for someone else to be your miracle? The Lord never intended for us to go through this life alone. Even in those moments when we feel alone, and that this very moment is more than we can bear. Those moments when our chest aches, and it's hard to catch our breath. When the world seems to close in on us.... those moments are just that, a moment. Will you have the courage to turn to the one who suffered those moments before you? Who suffered bled and died for you, and in giving you that gift, he understands what you are going through in a way no other can? Will you give him your burden? Will you let others in, and bless them by allowing them to bless you? Will you say out-loud in this very moment, I am Exceptional! I have Worth! Your beautiful, messy, flawed version of Exceptional is exactly who the Lord needs to work miracles. He does Exceptional Miraculous things with the hands and faith of his overly flawed Children. So now you know, you were exceptional all along. You were just better at recognizing it in other people. Think of the ways you can change the world knowing that you are exactly who he needs, in exactly this moment. Thank you for being an exceptional part of my life, for blessing me, for cheering me one, and for helping to shape me into a better version of myself than I was before this particular journey.

Week 25 December 3rd - December 9th

Clark Family Update: Day 169
Wednesday December 3rd 9:00 am
Day 74 at home

Chase Update: We are approaching the 6 month mark in this journey. Can you believe it has been less than a year, it feels like a lifetime ago. Chase is very independent. His sisters help him tie his shoes, and he sometimes needs helps with the buttons of his shirts, but His fine motors skills with his left hand are improving slowly. He only has PT twice a week now, and he is getting strong again. His speech improves every week. People who aren't around him on a regular basis can understand most of what he says now. There are a lot of letters he's not so good at saying. V's, F'c, and L's seem to be the most difficult. He just can't seem to get his mouth to move right. We just have to keep reminding ourselves it has been less than 6 months when their is frustration.

Chase is only on one medication right now, and it is to prevent seizure activity. He will be one this for at least two more months. He has never had a seizure, but anytime their is injury to the brain, or in this instance another surgery the risk of seizure is significantly higher. We cheer every time he finishes the final pill from a bottle.

As far as attitude, well let's just say it depends on the day. He recognizes the importance of it, but he is tired of therapy, and Dr.'s appointments. I know that feeling. This last surgery was difficult for him. He has told me in no uncertain terms,that he is not doing it again. I understand that, we are waiting to hear back from the DR. but it will probably stay in and we will hope there are no complications in the future. Apparently it was supposed to come out within a month of going in, but it's easy to see how it was overlooked.

Things are pretty much normal on the sibling front. Chase is in the shower complaining about being cold because Brooklyn has the door open so she can see in the mirror, she is arguing about it fogging up, and he is telling her to get out. I'm laughing because the bathroom upstairs is empty, and I can understand every word from the other room. Little miracles disguised as bratty siblings.

Our family has gone through a lot of changes this last year, and change is usually uncomfortable. Phil and I are navigating back toward each other. It's an uncomfortable thing to realize you can survive without each other, and another uncomfortable thing to figure out how to get back to each other when life has created a chasm. It's incredible to love another person so much, and still be scratching your head and trying to figure out how you pulled away from them without realizing it. So this is our challenge, and we realized a major part of that Chasm is because we haven't been praying together. Survival mode tends to be so full of daily life that things get pushed aside. We are attempting each week to pick one thing that the other would like us to work on. this week I was asked to be more patient, and in return I asked him to participate and instigate more family time.
The secret to any relationships is the willingness of both parties to make it successful. The secret to any amazing relationships is to do the same, and include God in it daily. Our love has never faltered, but I am working on getting my friendship with my best friend back on the top of my priority list. The Miracle in all of this is knowing that we will be even stronger because we fought for each other.

We were blessed to have my Mom and Dad with us this last week. Everything is just better when my Mom and Dad are here. They calm me, and quietly go about life in a way that make me feel a littler saner, and a little stronger. It was difficult to leave them at the airport and drive away. I could have never made it through this experience without them. I wanted to give a public shout-out to my sister Kayla, and her family. While my parents were in North Dakota with me this summer, she held both of their businesses, and their home together while they were with me in Minot after the accident. She did all of that while raising four kids and building a house. Talking with my parents this weekend has really brought the reality of her sacrifice to light. I know it must have taken a toll on her Husband and kids, so thank you for making a difficult time easier.

I can feel change coming. The feeling has been hounding me since last January, and I would have thought the last 5 1/2 months would have met the requirement for that change, but alas it's only getting stronger. We have accepted that change internally and verbally as a family. We have made a commitment with the Lord that whatever he has in store for us we will accept. He doesn't have to humble us, or test us. We are ready and willing, and we are prayerfully asking him to guide us to the path of least resistance that the change may come easily and that we will recognize his hand in that change. We really don't know what it is, It could be a new job, a new state, new health issues, new callings in the church, it could be all of the above, but with the strength of a untied family, a Legion, and The Lord, we will be prepared.

This week my prayers are full of gratitude for the Legion of friends and family we have. 6 months ago the idea of this Legion would have been incomprehensible. I pray that you can continue to find the miracles in the small moments. I pray you have grown in the last 6 months as we have grown. I pray that your level of trust in the Lords has grown, and that you have come to understand that he has a plan for each of us. I pray that you learn to listen to the voice of his spirit, and to let it guide you even when the world is telling you it's ludicrous. I pray you have a new love for your family, and that you cleave to them. That you find joy in the moments you are in now instead of wishing for better ones. I pray as we approach this Christmas season that you are able to give the gift of service. That you are able to touch someone else, to let them know of God's love for them, and that he is aware of them and their needs. I promise you that if you ask to be someones miracle, the Lord will use you.

May your Christmas season be full of Christ, may the knowledge that he Lives, and that he loves you swell your hearts with joy. May you take that Joy, and that Christlike love, and bless all you come in contact with. May you stand as a beacon of light and hope in a world that feel hopeless, that because they know you they will want to know HIM. This is my prayer to you, and your family this holiday season. May the Lord bless you and keep you until we meet again. We are Legion! Merry Christmas.

Clark Family Update: Day 170
Wednesday December 3rd 2:00 pm
Day 75 at home

Speech progress! You will notice there are still letters and sounds he doesn't say well yet, but he is progressing so well.

Video Link 

Speech Progress 12/4/14

Next        ---------->  Week 28

Previous ----------> Week 24

Week 24 November 26th - December 2nd

Clark Family Update: Day 167
Monday December 1st
Day 72 at home

12:35 pm

Waiting for Chase's final surgery. He is getting his IVC filter removed. He has been waiting for over 2 hours and is now telling anyone who will listen to hurry up because he's hungry!

2:30 pm 

Chase's surgery was unsuccessful. The IVC filter has been in too long and the Dr. couldn't get it out safely. There may be another surgery in his future. 

Next        ---------->  Week 25

Previous ----------> Week 23

Week 23 November 19th - November 25th

Clark Family Update: Day 160
Monday November 24th 6:45 pm
Day 65 at home

Chase got his stitches in his head, and his feeding tube out today. He is finally free! 
He is really excited. The Physicians Assistant that we usually see was so amazed with how much better he was talking today than he was just a week and a half ago.

We got to see Dr Wease, who was the first Doctor we spoke with after the accident. He grinned today, and said he is doing so amazing, you told me he would be okay, and you were right we should have listened to you.  He is one of Chase's biggest fans. He saw him at his worst in the most critical moments, so these moments are so exciting for him.

We have to go back for a check up in three weeks, but until then we are back to our normal routine.

We got to make a side trip to the hospital to visit a family who has a teenage daughter in the ICU. It's such a blessing to watch God's hand at work in his children.

God is Good, and Life is great. We thank you for your prayers and faith and ask that the Lord will bless you and keep you until we meet again. We are Legion!

The left side of the pictures is where they replaced the skull.

A before an after picture of his stomach, he has two belly buttons now.

 No More Stitches! 

Next        ---------->  Week 24

Previous ----------> Week 22

Week 22 November 12th - November 18th

Clark Family Update: Day 148
Wednesday November 12th 7:45 am
Day 53 at home

Going back to school helmet free!

Next        ---------->  Week 23

Previous ----------> Week 21

Week 21 November 5th - November 11th

Chase Update: Day 141
Wednesday November 5th 12:00 pm 
Day 44 at home

Chase's CT was rescheduled for 5 pm today so Chase and BobbySue had a lunch date. He was so excited to pick out flowers and chocolates for her. He wanted to make her first date special. He still had to wear the helmet, but we got a picture before they left. 

Clark Family Update: Day 142
Thursday November 6th 
8:05 am

Good morning! We are all done with the preliminary stuff. We have met with the surgeon, nurses, and anesthesiologist. Chase is dressed in his gown with an IV in. He is waiting for them to come take him to the OR. They will prep and position him for surgery. Surgery is scheduled for 9 am he should be done by 10 or 10:30. He will then move to the recovery room and then the ICU




12:45 pm

Chase is in recovery now. He's awake, and in the next hour he will get another CT scan and then move him into the ICU. We haven't seen him yet, but we met with the neurosurgeon, and he was pleased with the surgery.

5:15 pm 

Chase is in the ICU. He is resting peacefully now that he has seen Phil and Me. His numbers all look beautiful, and he already told his nurse she was the most important person in the hospital and that she is beautiful.  It's so neat to see everyone again and get to thank them and introduce them to Chase.
Thank you for your continued prayers

7:10 pm

He's awake, he's hungry, and he wants to get out of bed NOW! All great signs he's going to be fine!

 

Chase Update: Day 145

Sunday November 9th 12:00 pm

Good New, Bad news!

Let's start with some Good News -

This is a picture of his incision site. They had to make it bigger. He saw it and said "eww yuck, I don't want that"

Chase's CT scan this morning was great! He is healing wonderfully, and we would be set to go home today if it wasn't for the bad news.
Bad News -

Chase has meningitis

Good news -

It's a slow acting strain he got from his last surgery and they caught it before it could cause much damage to his body.

Bad news -

It's resistant to most antibiotics. There is only one company that makes an oral medication that kills it. It's $50 a pill and Chase will have to take it for 6 weeks. Don't do the math - just don't. Instead pray the insurance covers it if that's the route we take. If the medication doesn't kill the infection from the culture then he will have to have an IV for the next 6 weeks for the antibiotic. He is so heartbroken. The soonest he will be able to be home is Tuesday.

I will be heading back down to Minot this afternoon to stay with Chase, and a very reluctant Phil will head back here to stay with the kids.

Please pray that he can kick this quickly, and that his recovery will be swift. Also please pray that his spirits will be high, and he can be positive. We love you all! We are Legion.

Kami Update: Day 146
Monday November 10th 7:45am

Returning to the hospital has brought up so many unexpected emotions and reactions. This morning I am typing this in the same room I lived in for 35 days. Sitting on the same bed that I wrote about some of the most heart wrenching experiences of my life. The same bed that I would collapse in exhaustion, or cry myself to sleep on. This is the same bed that I knelt next to a thousand times when I talked with, plead with, listened, and praised my Heavenly Father. It's the same floor that we covered with children and the tornado of stuff that accompanies 6 people. The same shower I was in when I was able to cry for the first time after the accident. The bathroom we were getting ready In the morning were able to start to sing again.

I almost had a panic attack the first time I walked past that ICU waiting room. The ICU room was a whole new set of emotions. The room, the beeps, the strange antiseptic smell. I was on the verge of completely losing it when I walked into his room. Then he looked at me in his drug induced delirium and breathed my name. This was nothing like last time! Sending him into a surgery healthy was Infinitesimally more difficult than when it was life threatening. For over four hours my stomach seemed to gnaw on itself, and my body refused to be still. I knew he was in the Lords hands, but the slew of emotions I was dealing with escalated each worry tenfold. Once he awoke,I realized what a blessing it was he didn't remember last time-for all of us. He hates being still, thank The Lord for electronic devices to keep him entertained.

I am finally getting closure and dealing with the emotions that I refused to address before. I was forced to push all doubt and fear aside because I was bombarded with it. I knew the Lords will and if I allowed the doubt and fear to creep in, it suffocated my hope and faith. So now I am allowing the reality that he almost died so many times to truly sink in. I can finally understand why people thought I was deluding myself and not feel resentment for their lack of faith. I can understand why there was a fervor of excitement in the ICU when news came that Chase was coming back. This week has been an amazing miracle in my own life.

I am so thankful for a Father in Heaven who knows me, and heals me. I have truly experienced the refiners fire. I can see now, how The Lord makes us malleable so that he can shape us into who we hesitate to become on our own. I am more than a little nervous about what he has in store for us now that he has prepared us.

I'm a huge work in progress, but my willingness to be of service to him in-spite of feeling inadequate for the task, is the biggest change I have experienced. I know exactly who I am. I know my strengths, and I am all too aware of my weaknesses. I am slowly learning that my weaknesses can be strengths, and to value them instead of allowing them to define my worth or worthiness.

My challenge for you today is to pick one or two of your biggest weaknesses. Look at them in a new light, and discover how they are an actual strength. Our weaknesses make us better people. Here are two of mine.

I see the world in black and white, and I have a difficult time understanding
( aka tolerating) other peoples views when they don't lineup with mine.

This weakness has allowed me to be really good at learning to apologize, I have learned the hard way being right isn't as important as acting right. I have also had the great blessing of experiencing the world a new way by giving value and appreciation to the way others see things. Seeing as how this is a current weakness, these discoveries usually come after chastisement from The Lord or a loved one. 

I usually just say whatever is on my mind. I must have been busy explaining to someone why they were wrong when The Lord was giving out the filters other people seem to have before they say things out loud.

This weakness has given me a gift from The Lord. He uses me as a mouth piece. I guess he figures If I am going to spew whatever comes to mind, he would give me the right words. I can usually articulate something in an easy to understand way, and allow you to feel exactly how I am feeling. I am under no illusions that This is me, but I am grateful that The Lord usually blesses me with the right words at the right time.

Facing our weaknesses are usually difficult, so be prepared that for most of us, finding something good about something that we shy away from or despise is momentous. As I wrote this I discovered enough weaknesses to fill a page, and I'm not as of yet evolved enough to be able to see all of the strengths that come from them all, but as I stated before I'm a work in progress.

Thank you for your love, strength, faith and prayers. May The Lord bless you and keep you until we meet again. We are legion!

Clark Family Update: Day 147
Tuesday November 11th 7:45 pm

We finally made it home!
Chase is on $300.00 a day worth of antibiotics, but we are home. Fortunately our amazing insurance is covering it 100%
We jumped into the car as soon as they released us so we could make it home in time for Young Men's (this is his youth group for our church)
He laughed when they asked him if he wanted to be wheeled to the parking lot in a wheelchair. Then he said " No thanks, Bye" and headed to the elevator. 
He is so excited to be here. We have to go back to the Dr's in Minot and for a CT scan on Friday, and then back again to Minot on Sunday for Stake conference. Then back again next week to take the sutures out.

Everything looks great with this incision and his brain scans. He hasn't had any painkillers since Friday or Saturday. We have just been impatiently waiting for them to figure out the antibiotics and set us free. So back to our semi-normal life tomorrow.

We didn't tell the kids we were coming home because Chase wanted to surprise them. He knocked on the front door, and was met with a giant hug from Talli and his other siblings.

The infectious disease Dr. wants Chase on the anti-biotics for two weeks but the neurosurgeon wanted him on it for 4 week. I asked him why and he said his worry is that with his body having a foreign object ( the bone flap) he can't afford to have it spread their. He was overruled. I asked how we know if it wasn't enough, and he said if we retest in a few months and it has spread. I choked a little at that reply.

So we will be praying it's long enough and that the Lord will rid his body of the infection. We Thank him for Chase's amazing recovery thus far, and ask him to continue with his healing. Thank you for your prayers, love, and concern. Your support has made this latest leg of our journey easier. May the Lord bless you and keep you until we meet again. We are legion!

Next        ---------->  Week 22

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